by Nick Fleehart | November 22, 2021 |
We all know beer league hockey operates with a few unwritten rules that keep everything running smoothly. At least, we thought everyone knew that. But lately we’ve been meeting more plugs who just don’t seem to get the way things work. So, rather than leave them lost wandering the desert of hockey exile, we are here to offer some benevolent guidance. We undertook the great feat of skating up the iciest mountain in Canada to collect and record for you the words of the holiest hockey power.
Behold, The Ten Commandments of Beer League Hockey.
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HONOR THY GM ABOVE ALL ELSE.
For they have sacrificed many hours to keep thy team from crumbling into the abyss. They toil away to ensure thou hast a place to play the divine sport. Respect them and bring them offerings of beer. (If ya want to break a rule, we can show ya how to do that too)
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THOU SHALT PAY THY HOCKEY FEES ON TIME.
For neither rent, nor nourishment, nor thirst for beer shall come before thy hockey team. Thy GM is not thy mother (we hope) and shall not float thy ass any money. If thou dost not pay, thou dost not play beer league hockey. And we know you didn’t “forget your checkbook” in the car. Just send the fees via Venmo ya plug.
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THOU SHALT RESPECT THE REFEREES.
For though they may descend upon the ice with harsh disposition and unrelenting penalization, without referees there shalt be no game. At times thou shalt disagree with their calls but they govern over this domain and their word is law until once more the land is cleansed over with water and slate wiped clean. Even at tournaments
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THOU SHALT NOT FORGET BEER ON THY BEER DAY.
For there can be no beer league hockey without beer. Such an offense is deemed punishable by death, or at least by making thou play defence when we art short back there. Furthermore, thou shalt not cheap out whilst the rest of thy team
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5. THOU SHALT NOT LEAVE WITH THE BEER COOLER WHILE THY TEAM STILL DESIRES TO IMBIBE.
For if thy team is thirsty, tis not for you to decide when they have had enough. Tis their right to consume a shower beer, or linger to finish another in their towel. If thou hast somewhere to be, leave thy cooler behind.
6. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY TEAMMATE’S BEER.
Nor thy teammate’s girl, dangles, nor ass. For jealousy shall chip away at the core of thy team and cause it to crumble from within. Respect thy teammates and they shall share with you their bounty of beer on this earth, and a bounty of sauce on the ice. It shall bring forth good tidings of wingman exploits on the forecheck and in the bar. The best teammates share their gifts with all and for this we give thanks and cellys.
7. THOU SHALT NOT TAKE A DUMP IN THY TEAM’S DRESSING ROOM BEFORE A GAME.
For the toxification of thy own room leads not down the road to success. Make thy way to the public restroom and leave thy foul abomination behind. Any teammate who so defies such a rule shall be punished to a degree that fits the potency of the crime.
8. THOU SHALT NOT MOOCH.
Blessed is the teammate who shares their tape, stick wax and spare laces. They shall be rewarded by the heavens with a great many scoring chances. But shamed shall be the beer league hockey player who never buys their own tape. For there is no honor in mooching off thy teammate’s generosity. Make reparations to thy teammates in beer and in replacement tape.
9. THOU SHALT SHIFT CHANGE WITH THY LINEMATES.
For it matters not if thou art not tired – thou must keep the lines together. Thy selfishness shalt rob other teammates of their deserved ice time and thus create undue hostility between lines. For even the Great One changed with his linemates and tis sacrilege to place thyself above his holiness.
10. THOU SHALT NOT BAIL ON GAME DAY.
For thy GM works hard to cultivate a harvest of subs to fill thy bench, but these crops cannot be grown in a day. Respect their labors by donning thy gear on game day as thou hast committed. If thou art plagued by an emergency, pleas for thy GM’s forgiveness should be accompanied by reparations in beer.
All ye sinners should now repent and make your tithings or ye shall be smited, smote, smitten (we don’t know the correct phrase) with a bad case of snake bitten-ness. But really, follow these 10 commandments of Beer League Hockey and you will become better teammate. Please spread this gospel so we can save other lost souls. And make sure you come to our fellowship meetings and listen to weekly audio sermons. You can find them on Apple Podcasts and Spotify
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