25 Things You Should Know About Dating Hockey Chicks
So you’re pretty into this whole hockey thing and you’ve started thinking the only thing that could make it better would be dating a girl who likes hockey just as much as you. Well, hockey girls are a breed of their own so there are a few things you’ll probably want to know before you try to lock one down.
#1. Post Game Matters
Locker room or bar you should know that we’re going to go for beers after the game with our team. It’s not because we hate spending time with you, we just also like spending time with people who are not you. It’s healthy, trust us.
#2 Like We Said Post Game Matters
You can totally go for beers with the boys after your game. Why would we ever have a problem with that? No, we’re not being sarcastic. Why does everyone think that? (And you can go to hockey tournaments…. but only If we come too. Couples that DEX together, stay together
#3 Ringers Only?
Not gonna lie, it’s a bit of a turnoff if you’re not a good skater. Makes it more fun if you can at least keep up. But if you can’t skate, please don’t suggest we teach you to skate as a first date. That’s not fun for us, it’s work.
#4 But Don’t Be That Ringer
On the other hand, if you’re skilled on your skates, for the love of Lord Stanley please don’t let us win all the time. We don’t want your pity. Hockey chicks are too competitive for that bullshit. Make us work for it.
#5 TEAM SHOWERS?
Yes, some of hockey chicks shower together. Sometimes there are loofas involved. We even make eye contact. It’s actually where you get the best post-game hash out. But everyone is completely content shampooing their own hair, so probably just keep those fantasies to yourself – the jokes are old.
#6 Mind The Schedule
If we have a game on Valentine’s Day/your birthday/my birthday/our anniversary/St. Patrick’s Day/Thanksgiving/Halloween/Arbor Day then we most likely want to play that game. Please don’t plan a date on game night.
#7 Because You Don’t Listen
When you do inevitably plan a date on game night, please don’t be a whiny bitch when we ask to reschedule.
#8 Come Look How Awesome I am =)
We’d really like it if you came to our games once in awhile. Not every game, we know beer league isn’t all that riveting. Maybe offer to run the score clock even. It’ll win you brownie points with the team, and their opinions go a long way toward keeping you around.
#9 Fine, You’re Awesome Too
We will come to your games once in awhile. Not every game, cause beer league isn’t all that riveting.
#10 Dirty Mouths (not in that way…well mostly)
We swear like we’re constantly stubbing our little toe. When you grow up playing puck, it just becomes part of who you are. And don’t think our dressing room talk is all puppies and unicorns. I mean, yeah we talk about those too, but only when we’re not talking about dongs.
#11 Poop Talk
Hockey chicks talk about poop. A well-timed PGP (pre-game poop) can be a huge factor in your game performance. But who are we kidding, it doesn’t stop there. We don’t have any real reason, it’s just funny to talk about our poop.
Yes, sometimes we play hockey with men. Yes, we all change in the same dressing room. No, we don’t shower together. No, we don’t look at their junk.
#13 Meat Gazing
Ok, sometimes we accidentally see their junk.
#14 If Your Bag Has Wheels…..
Please don’t buy us a wheelie bag. Yes, our bags are heavy, but we’ve been able to carry them ourselves since before we grew boobs. Wheelie bags are embarrassing.
#15 White Hockey Gloves?
This goes double for white gloves. Maybe just let us pick out our own gear.
#16 Such a Gent
Offer to carry our bags. Yeah, we just finished saying that we can carry them ourselves. That’s not the point. It’s the same principle as holding doors open: You don’t do it because you think women are incapable of understanding intricate door mechanics, you do it as a nice gesture to show you care.
#17 Do You Even Squat Bro?
We hope you like big legs because that’s what hockey chicks have. They’re thick like majestic tree trunks, and just as strong. The only things that fit us properly are leggings and jeggings, so be prepared to see us in a lot of stretchy pants.
#18 Fancy Dressy
We come with big shoulders, too. Most dresses look completely out of place on us. We’re lucky if we find that one dress that actually looks normal, and we’ll wear it every time we’re expected to get dressed up. (And then promptly change into our sweats as soon as socially acceptable.)
#19 I like Big Butts and I can not lie
The payoff is that most hockey players come complete with a nicely toned butt. If Sir Mix-a-Lot was Canadian, he would have been singing about hockey chicks.
Hockey girls have a lot of lesbian friends. Get used to it.
#21 You Won’t Like Us When We’re Hangry
We’re constantly hungry. Our bodies want food every couple of hours. Denying hockey chicks food just contributes to our hanger (anger that’s spurred or made worse by being hungry). Those Snickers commercials really hit home for hockey girls, though we’re probably more likely to reach for some chicken wings.
#22 Pack A Bag
We’d like you to know how to pack our bag in an emergency. At any moment a friend could call needed us to sub last-minute, and we want to know we can count on you in a pinch. Don’t forget the sports bra and jill.
#23 We Don’t Smell We Promise
Yes, hockey gear always smells like that. We’re sorry about accidentally leaving it in the car for three days. Even more sorry when we do it during summer league. Yes, we can take your car today.
#24 Know Our Cut
We need you to know what 5/8”, 1/2” and 3/8” means – and which one we prefer – incase we can’t get to the skate shop before our next ice and it’s right on your way home anyway, babe. If you need a quick beginner course on Skate Sharpening Lingo
#25 Bruised Up
You gotta be ok with bruises if your dating hockey girls, because we get a lot of them. Sometimes they’re from blocking shots cause we’re solid team players. Sometimes it’s from our dummy defence who can’t aim. Sorry for all the looks strangers will give you when they see us looking battered. We’re worth it, I promise.
Sum it up
Results may vary of course. But these are some pretty solid tips for dating beer league ladies. Actually these are pretty good we should write a blog about best pickup lines to use on the ice … or on Tinder. Are you still on Tinder?
Real talk this blog was created a long time ago with another project. It was created with one of the funniest and best beer leaguer chicks we have had the pleasure of knowing. I hope her tips helped her land the best beer league dude. If not, maybe we need to write one about tips for dating beer league hockey dudes.