Chicago, IL 60606 123, New Lenox

Let’s talk about goalies and why they are the worst. This isn’t about the age-old debate of goalies not paying league fees, or goalies trying to charge a team to play for them, or even about goalies being straight up weird. This blog also isn’t a vendetta blog.  This is about them being filthy stinking cheaters.

I already know what goalies are saying… So fuck you. I have put on the pads before and jumped between the pipes. It wasn’t hard… But it wasn’t easy either. If it wasn’t for having the back of a 97 year old man, I’d likely have become the 2nd greatest beer league goaltender in history behind Kane Van Gate.

I mean the stats say everything

There was an era where goalies were tough. Real badass motherfucker types. All they used for pads was a 2nd pair of socks pulled up to their knees. Their chest protectors were pieces of cardboard and these hardos didn’t even wear goalie masks. I also heard rumors that they never did any stretching, but I can neither confirm nor deny that.

But Now…

Goalies wear damn near their body weight in high-tech puck power absorbing padded equipment. Even with all this padding they get pissy when opposing players so much as look in their direction. They bitch and moan about regulations to keep their bloated gear in check and lament the idea of making goal nets bigger. Never mind the fact that the size of goalies has grown like 40% and the size of the nets have grown 0%.

But now goalies are resorting to trickery… It’s basically cheating. These pads… THESE FUCKIN PADS. This is not cool!


Straight UP BUSH LEAGUE. It’s practically cheating. What would be the same for players to do to goalies? Something like players from the bench being able to throw black pieces of rubber at the goalie while the play is going on? Or maybe laser pointers shining at the goalie. Whatever… if those things were being done to goalies, they’d be whining that it’s making the game too hard for them.

Why are these pads ok? How do we stop cheating goalies?


Don’t worry goalies… we still love you. We even have a couple weirdo goalies making a show just for you. Check Them Out

Let’s Make Hockey Great Again


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